Family Mediation is a specialized area in Family Law. Justice Harvey Brownstone was a groundbreaking justice in the area of Family Law and wrote a book entitled “Tug of War” (a must read!) which was aimed at educating the public about more effective ways to approach issues involved in separation, divorce and custody and access issues. The basic premise of the book is that lawyers and judges are lawmakers and not specifically educated in the areas of child development and other social work related issues and yet they are responsible for making decisions daily in family court about important issues that affect children. This book spurred and catapulted the need for “Mediation” as an alternative to the usual adversary system where each parent is represented by their legal counsel and each argue for “the best interest of the child” with each party arguing in court for what their perspective is on “best interest” despite their lack of knowledge of child development and other emotional issues that affect cooperative parenting relationships, the courts continue to make these decisions, often reluctantly due to parents and their legal counsels motivation to continue the battle in court. Sometimes they do get it right. Often they do not and children and parents suffer for years the consequences of long high conflict battles that take their toll on their financial, emotional, and mental health of themselves and their vulnerable children.

Mediation has become the preferred and acceptable path for effective resolution of marital issues, but the process is not without its own challenges and obstacles to success. There are a lot of variables at play in Mediation. Often when people separate they are emotionally upset and vulnerable and often individuals harbour feelings of pain, betrayal, anger, jealousy and even hate.  Some of these emotions carry on unresolved for years. At the same time, just as they were in the courts, they may continue to battle and act out those emotions within the same tug of war in mediation. This process frustrates parents, lawyers, trained mediators and most of all children who live and witness a high conflict between both people they love continue and go on and on and on. The research has well been established that high conflict divorce is the most destructive element on children during these proceedings. Often now there are court orders commanding people to “open” mediation and reports going back and forth from the mediator to the court outlining their view of who is being “unreasonable” and what exactly are the “best interests” of the child. The battle between some spouses hasn’t changed; it has just been cast into a different arena. There are other obstacles also. Sometimes the lawyers themselves fuel the fire by recommending that their clients do not agree to certain conditions in a parenting plan. These plans become complex. "Who will pay for hockey? Who will take them to hockey? On what days? How does it affect work schedules? Transportation?" and so on. Then there is the issue of child support and who has the most time with the children? Who is the primary parent? Will it remain that way? What emotional variables are at play? Is a parent being sabotaged, alienated? Again, complexity!!

There also is the now the profession of mediation? Who will govern the mediators? Is there a best practice set of rules? Often now lawyers are becoming mediators also. Are they trained in child development? Who sets the fees for mediation? In Ontario there is the Ontario Association of Family Mediators (OAFM). Are they the governed regulators? What is there a criterion? Is there criteria enough? Are they trained in child development? Are all mediators child and youth workers? Social workers? So, the list of questions has become sophisticated and the selection of an appropriate mediator has become a skill in itself.

At our agency you will get an accomplished and experienced child and youth worker who is a member of the Child and Youth Care Association of Ontario and guided by the principles and ethics of that association. We know families and kids and have over 30 years experience working in a wide variety of settings with many different children, many who have had special deficits and challenges. We also know about the affects of separation and divorce and about loyalty binds and about manipulation and power struggles and “acting out” behaviour and about the struggle that kids have living between two people they both love.  We basically believe that at our agency we have a firm understanding of how kids respond to divorce and about all of the many issues that affect them and parents. We believe that this is the biggest difference between us and other mediators. In family law there is a principle that we follow: “Children have the rights, Parents have obligations and responsibilities.” We follow that principle to the letter and we do not let parents off the hook. We are likely tougher than most mediators that you have experienced when it comes to kids needs and we will push you for compromise. The result of that process will be a parenting plan that is best suited for your child at that point in time with a contingency that that may change. A competent and solid parenting plan based on cooperative parenting is liquid, changeable, flexible and adaptable depending on the child at different points in their development. Parents need to confront their sense of control and sometimes give up that control to maintain cooperative parenting. Cooperative parenting is not an easy process. It’s a goal that keeps sliding beyond your reach, but a worthwhile goal that if you continue to reach for will make all the difference in your child’s emotional well being.  

We will stick with you through that journey and be there when you are at your toughest points of struggle. We will not give up! And we will not let you give up! That’s our promise to you and we do it that way because we care about kids and about your family which we will never view as broken, just changing in form, always with the potential for more. We view new significant others as part of that new family. We will not mediate a parenting plan without interviewing every family member in order to address and understand the underlying issues in the dynamics and we will address them all. We do this through our mediation preparation process and this can save you a lot of financial and emotional grief.

Lawyers and other mediators will often approach us to spend time prepping families and children for mediation months before actual mediation takes place in order that the emotional work is completed and many of the obstacles removed prior to actual mediation. This can result in quick and efficient mediation that does not break down half way through or fail and return to the tug of war in court.

So, if you are currently in the process of separation and contemplating divorce and want that process to result in the best possible parenting plan for your children, you have come to the right place but please come with an open mind, a willingness to learn and compromise and accept some truths about yourself you may not want to accept but with the overall goal of working towards the most cooperative parenting plan that you are capable of for the absolute and truly the best interest of your children.